Cool is as cool does

Oh, Christian McBride. You're a cool dude, really. You're a bespectacled, turtleneck-wearing jazz bassist - who am I to argue over coolness with thee? But, hey, dude, I just thought we'd jive about your piece for NPR. You know, 'Be Cool', about how the cool is gone.

I'll have to disagree in a very broad way, first of all - I don't think "people" are getting meaner. Some are mean, some aren't, but I think the global trend is toward greater tolerance and coolness. Anyway, we can argue over that next time we jam.

But look here, about your article - people used to get much worse than the third degree for the color of their shoes, shirts, caps, and - yeah, skin. Remember?

And cell phones - they're better than land lines. Honest. You can call your kids while you're taking a stroll to the local pizza shop. You can get invited to a friend's hastily put-together party while enjoying soup at the restaurant. And oh, yeah, you can also use it at home - many do. Cell phones also have these cool "silent" and "off" buttons. Man, I wish my landline had that!

Oh, I don't mean to be a smartass, but have you ever actually been to a coffee shop? I'm sitting at one right now, as a matter of fact. And I'm working. On my laptop. The place is super-chill - lots of high school kids trading gossip, old dudes reading the newspaper, several moms with their kids. No stress, honest. About a third of us are on our laptops. I don't know what's on other people's screens, but the work-related gobbledy-gook on mine isn't stressing me out at all. Hey, if you have a stressful job, that's your problem, not whether you do it while having coffee or not.

Technology is cool. Coffee shops are cool. So, hey, I'm with you 100%. Let's all cool it up and cool it down to max. You know, some would say that includes not kvetching over the realities of modern urban life. Just sayin'. Peace.

The Twelve Steps

Hey, you know what I like? House. You know what else I like? Spiritualized. And Sly Stone's tortured, self-conscious-druggie days. I'm thinking maybe I was an addict of some sort in a past life.

Last night's "rehab episode" of House reminded me of Spiritualized's "rehab song". I'm a fool and a knave for trying to convey the kickassedness of a driving rock tune on a blog, but go listen to it on iTunes or something. Or just read the lyrics and imagine them delivered by a punky, energetic British dude over a pumping beat and bassline covered with a mess of feedback, roaring guitars, blues harmonica, cinematic strings, and EMT sirens. Ready?

The Twelve Steps

If you’ve got the money for a rehab cure
You ain’t got a problem you can’t afford
I was very nearly clean y’know
Cos I only had twelve steps to go

The only time I’m drink and drug free
Is when I don’t have to pay for what I need
That’s rare indeed

If your willpower’s weak, temptation’s strong
Lord knows how you’re gonna get along
And the worst thing about your kind of disease
Is you know who can charge whatever she pleases?

It's 28 days for 13 grand
Better go get myself an insurance plan
Cos she’s my man

I ain’t got to where I’m going to
By hanging ‘round with people like you
But then again I ain’t never got
Anywhere I wanted to get to

I ain’t got to where I’m going to
By hanging ‘round with people ain’t my friends
But then again I ain’t never got
Anywhere I wanted in the end

If you got the money for me how come
You ain't got a problem you can't afford
I was very nearly clean y’know
Cos I only had twelve steps to go

The only time I’m drink and drug free
Is when I get my drugs and drink for free
That’s for me

If your willpower’s weak, temptation’s strong
Lord knows how you’re gonna get along
And I don’t think I’m gonna find Jesus Christ
So I’d rather spend my cash on vice

28 days for 13 grand
Better go get myself an insurance plan
Cos she’s my man

Do some knitting, get some rest
Group therapy gets me depressed
You might get banned if you relapse
They’ll take you back when you got some cash

You're just as likely to find inner peace
By buying your stuff from off the street,
C’mon, C’mon

1 – Kill the fun
2 – Ain’t got a clue
3 – Get in your tree
4 – Get out the door
5 – Get a life
6 – Aha Y’know?
7 – Remember 6
8 – Fuck being straight
9 – Get in your bed
10 – In bed again
11 – In bed again
12 – Go back to 1 and start, start all over again

iPhone iPhone omg iPhone

Dude.

iPhone. Its name is iPhone. Its name is iPhone.

There are so many things I want to giggle like a little girl about, but here's just one: we have just been given 6 months to save up some dough and dump our lame-o wireless providers. And we'll take it, and we'll love it.

Kashi GoLean Crunch! is the greatest cereal in the world

It's rare that I proclaim a single product THE best in its category. When I do it, I probably change my mind in a matter of days, so that kind of strong opinion doesn't count. But this one does; I've held it for a long time, and I'll bet money on it (if there is a market for bets on these things).

Kashi GoLean Crunch! is the greatest breakfast cereal in the world.

I know, I know. You're probably thinking one of two things: what the heck does that mean, "greatest", or, you're not talking about that hippie organic crap, are you? I am, but let's get to the first point first.

You may prefer a different kind of cereal, or you may like another brand for personal reasons, but I think that my evaluation of Crunch! (and it's the only product that deserves its exclamation point through and through) is as rational and reliable as that of a wine connoisseur who tells you that hey, no matter what you "prefer", White Zin is totally balls. I'm not going to pursue the analogy any further because I lack the expertise both as a wine reviewer and a cereal reviewer, so, in short, assume that I'm right and hear me out.

My ideal cereal should satisfy the following conditions (these were arrived at before Crunch! entered and subsequently rocked my world):

1. It should be crunchy, as in "not soggy." It should start out this way and get just juicy enough to eat, but never mushy or fall-aparty.
2. The flavor should be free or weird, overpowering, de-cerealizing tones such as bubblegum-like fruit and sweet chocolate.
3. It should have a varied texture, falling within and covering fully a strict range from medium-small to medium-large: no dusty powder on the bottom of the bag, no eerily uniform tiny pieces (I'm looking at you, Cheerios), no giant ones (sorry, Chex). It should feature twigs, squares, clusters, mega-clusters, and each spoonful should be perfect.
4. It should be sweetened, but not dessert-sweet. Grain-friendly flavors like honey and almond are welcome.
5. It should be packed with nutritional desirables (protein, fiber) and low on sugar, sodium, and fat.

There we go. Now, if after seeing (and devouring) Crunch! you go, heeeey, that list sounds like a post-hoc description of this Kashi stuff, well, what can I say. I can say, "no, that's always been my golden standard."

And as for the hippie factor, look, it's advertised as a health food. Duh, it's cereal. But it costs $2.50-$3.00 for a 15 oz box in most places. It doesn't claim to contain ginseng, witch hazel, dragon's breath, and it's not Level-five vegan. It doesn't even have a bearded prospector on the label. You can buy it, it's ok. Tell them I said so.